They Tell Me
Getting Old Is A Kick!
-Fred
Stock
A few years ago I was active as a naturalist guide for a jeep tour
company in the southern
California
desert. There were numerous vehicles and guides, and being located in a huge
resort area, usually you would pass other jeeps full of visitors along the
off-road trails in out 1000+ acre territory near the
San Andreas Fault
. Of course, all the people doing that type of work were a card or two short of
a deck, and all of us had type A personalities and no fear of ego problems. It
was a great group and a lot of fun.
One of my friends there was a fellow we shall call Jim V. (We actually
shall call him that because that is his name!) (I mean, why the heck not?) Jim
and I were very close in age, and it was always a contest between the two of us
as our jeeps crossed paths on those narrow roads, to be the first one to speak,
because that was the one that got the first laugh! You spoke to the folks riding
in the back of the other jeep, and nearly always, the first joke would focus on
“old”. The dialogue went something like this…
“You people are especially fortunate to be riding with Jim today,
because he can teach you the geology first hand. He was actually here for most
of it.” Then Jim would say,
“Yah, I remember when all of this was flat!” If the clients appeared to be
laughing, it continued. “You laugh, but Jim was actually in the photograph of
the ground breaking for the
San Andreas Fault
!” And Jim would say, “He knows because he was the old guy with his head
under the cloth on the back of the camera.”
“At the end of the tour, you’ll be offered souvenirs including a Jim
V. in-action figures and non-bobble-heads for your dash board.”
|
|
We
had a collection of routines we went through that usually got a laugh. In
the mid-1990’s there was a series of television commercials for mustard
for the “upper class”. Two operators in limousines would stop mid way
across the street and the electric windows would roll down. The drivers
would exchange comment in British accents. We picked that up too, and
began
|
carrying
a small bottle of mustard under the front seat so we’d have it when one of the
other guides pulled along side and said, “Pah-don me, but might you have a bit
of Grey Poupon?”
But the ”old jokes” were always a project, Jim and I especially would
work out new lines to pull on the other without warning. “Jim is actually
listed among the national historic sites. In his home, all the mirrors have to
say “Caution, objects in this mirror are even older than they appear!””
“Fred is often considered an expert on the minerals, especially since he’s
so old parts of him are already petrified.” “That’s true, but you know,
I’m rockin!” “Jim is considered THE authority in our group on plants of
the desert. If you have any questions about local flora, you can ask him,
because as a child, he actually WAS a plant.” “He was well rooted!” “Now
he’s an evolved soul…” Will you stop? “If you mention pollen, he gets
all giggly.” Stop it! “His hair turns all orange and brown in the Fall.”
End! “And green in the spring wildflower season.” Stoppppp! -fhs