Caving Inn
-Fred Stock

            Throughout history and probably pre-history, even before the Geico Caveman or Grog from BC or Andre the Giant, humankind has lived and moved and had it’s being in caves. Yes, I know you just spent $650,000 for your new condo in the desert, but a cave it is, never-the-less. Here in “modern times” we have wooden caves, steel caves, poured pre-formed concrete caves, pre-fabricated movable caves, even all-glass caves… where I understand people who throw stones should not live. But they are still caves. Just large exclusive spaces we can call our own.          


Houses to us were caves to our ancestors. Let’s flash back to the year 22224 B.C.E. (before computers existed) and listen in on a conversation between a sales agent and a prospective home buyer.

            “Look, Mr. Glugg, this deal won’t last forever. It’s a beautiful cave, located here on a hill so steep the Tyrannosaurus can’t reach it.”  “Uhmmm, Nice. Safety good! So, how about eclectic amenities?”

“Hey, you couldn’t get amenities like this! Look at the deluxe patio. You can see it has an overhanging cliff to keep out the rain, and twin eroded rocks we like to call a ‘love seat’.” “Uhmm. Love seat good!! What is little rock next to them?” “That’s a stand for your club!” “Uhmmm, good thinking! What else you got?”

“Glad you asked! There’s an art gallery where the former resident painted running saber-toothed tigers and mammoths in murals. There’s a high end, state of the art fire pit with a sky-light ventilation system.” “Oh, I thought that was a hole in the roof. Uhm. Fire good!” “Oh, yes, it’s the latest thing!” “Well, then…!”

            “And this cave comes with an alarm system. See the bird-asaur over there with the chain around his neck? If anybody comes up the hill, he screeches to warn you. You just have to feed him his five rabbits a day.” “Uhmm, what about price?”

            “My favorite part! Remember back in 22239 when the prices peaked? Well, they have dropped down to about 80% of those! This beautiful furnished cave… that’s right, it has a pre-padded straw bed-rock lined with three-toed sloth fur, and running water, see in the seep right over there?“ “Uhmmm. Water good!” “Now, this beautiful furnished cave is yours for five-hundred skins and three shells!” “Sold! Got financing?” “Sure!” “Uhmm. Financing good!”

            Perhaps our ancient experience has been so ingrained into our genetic codes that we just keep repeating the situation… with more current adjustments of course. For instance, our cave-man relatives had to hunt and gather in the jungles and forests. Today we have malls, which are just larger caves, with numerous along-the-side mini-caves. Stalactites are the hanging decorations and stalagmites are the precursor of the mall kiosks. When they gathered to discuss hunting, the ancients had the same kind of organization we have – you know, we have the NRA. And they had it’s equivalent, the NCA (natural club assn.).




             We still have caves of all kinds today, above ground in California , limestone underground caves in the heartland, WAY-above-ground caves in New York City , even under sea caves (I spent time in Submarine Service way back when so I speak from personal experience.)


We have caves in which we work (many folks will not challenge THAT statement), and caves in which we play (they have slot machines and dealers in tuxedos) and caves in which we appease the spirits haunting our frames (you’ll find many of those over at Eisenhower and JFK hospitals!)  Regardless, we have to admit our race has not made a huge leap from those days, David Or rick and Bill Gates not withstanding.  And if you don’t think your car or SUV is a cave with wheels – a portable cave – wait until the next time you are caught in a sudden downpour and run for the driver’s door. It’s certainly a dry cave!

            So next time you feel bad about your lawn or garage door or paint job, remember, it’s just a cave!  Just some idle thoughts, that’s all.  Later!  -fhs